A sexologist has listed the seven biggest mistakes couples make in the bedroom after 10 years in the industry – and revealed how you can overhaul your sex life in just 28 days.
Kiki Maree, an inclusive sex educator specialising in female sexuality and intimate relationships, offers internationally recognised certified training in Therapeutic Yoni Massage and Somatic Sex Coaching.
The CEO of the Yonilicious Academy, Kiki, who has a diploma in sexology, is also a trauma-informed therapist and provides a holistic and vastly knowledgeable approach to sex education.
‘By making an intentional effort, couples can overcome bedroom mistakes and rekindle passion and intimacy,’ Kiki told FEMAIL.
‘Remember, the key is open communication, experimentation, and mutual respect.
‘Educate yourselves and if any of the below points seem too difficult to approach, or if there are deep-seated issues or concerns, seeking therapy or coaching can be beneficial.’
Kiki Maree is an inclusive sex educator specialising in female sexuality and intimate relationships
1. Lack of communication
One of the biggest mistakes is not communicating about desires, boundaries, and needs. Without open conversation, partners often operate on assumptions, which can lead to dissatisfaction and even toleration in sex (which then leads to aversion to sex).
2. Routine monotony
Many couples get stuck in a routine, doing the same things, at the same time, in the same place. This can sap the excitement and passion from a relationship.
3. Neglecting foreplay
Many couples rush the process, but foreplay is essential for building intimacy and ensuring that both partners are sufficiently aroused. I actually like to think of foreplay as sex, which can therefore eliminate the idea of sex only being valid if there is penetration and orgasm.
One of the biggest mistakes is not communicating about desires, boundaries, and needs. Without open conversation, partners often operate on assumptions, which can lead to dissatisfaction and even toleration in sex (which then leads to aversion to sex)
4. Allowing distractions
Whether it’s the TV, phones, or other devices, distractions can prevent couples from connecting on a deeper level.
5. Avoiding vulnerability
Being vulnerable allows for deeper connection, intimacy and important conversations, but many avoid it due to fear of conflict, rejection or judgement. This can lead to things being left unsaid and festering, creating a blockage to true intimacy.
6. Goal oriented sex where penetration and orgasm is the goal
This can be problematic for a myriad of reasons, ranging from performance anxiety to people not actually enjoying penetrative sex. If we shift the goal from orgasm to the other things that we want to experience in sex however, such as intimacy, fun, adventure, slowness, spiciness, the experience can become much more expansive and satisfying overall.
7. Ignoring the ‘golden rule’
Approaching sexual intimacy with our lover the same way we wish to be approached does not always work. This is because we each have unique individual needs. The same can be said for approaching sexuality with a new partner the same way we did with a previous lover, as all bodies are different (and previous lovers may have been faking their pleasure, so it is best to start fresh).
Being vulnerable allows for deeper connection, intimacy and important conversations, but many avoid it due to fear of conflict, rejection or judgement
How to overhaul your sex life in 28 days
Week 1: Open up lines of communication
– Initiate an open conversation about your desires, what you are wanting more from in sex, boundaries, consent, safe words and any concerns that you may have.
– Discuss past experiences that you would like to recreate (if it is safe for you to do so), things you have heard of you would like to experience, or some of your fantasies. Remind one another continuously that judgement has no place in the safe space you are creating for one another.
– Create a ‘check-in’ system after intimacy (leaving quite a bit of space between the session and the check-in) to discuss what felt good, what you learned and what you didn’t get super excited over.
– Create an intimacy menu together, or you can use resources like books or trusted online guides for ideas for things you can introduce to your partnered pleasure.
– Discuss how long you would like to take penetrative sex off the table for while you explore with one another and recalibrate your nervous systems to this new way of being intimate with one another (if you wish to do so at all).
Week 2: Explore and experiment
– Create a pleasure zone, somewhere in your house or bedroom with candles, yummy scents, lube, soft furnishings, feathers and other sex toys.
– Introduce one of the things from your intimacy menu.
– Experiment with changing the environment – try a different room or setting.
– Experiment with different toys.
If we shift the goal from orgasm to the other things that we want to experience in sex however, such as intimacy, fun, adventure, slowness, spiciness, the experience can become much more expansive and satisfying overall
Week 3: Prioritise foreplay and connection
– Dedicate one session to exploring one another’s bodies avoiding the genitals, and one session to include the genitals, both without the intention to arouse.
– Dedicate one session to just foreplay, though this time with the intention to arouse, exploring each other’s bodies, though without the pressure of reaching climax (if it happens that’s totally fine).
– Introduce sensory play, such as using blindfolds, feathers, or light restraints (with consent).
– If it feels right, bring penetration back onto the table (if you had taken it off, and if you and your partner wants/enjoys it), being sure to build to the point of immense desire for penetration.
Week 4: Continuous growth
– Spend quality time outside the bedroom on dates for example, to build emotional connection.
– Establish a ‘no distraction’ rule during intimacy. Keep devices out of the room as much as possible (get that dopamine hit from one another!).
– Commit to regular discussions about your sex life. Pledge to keep exploring, experimenting, and communicating.
You can get in touch with Kiki Maree here